Hose off those smudges...

If you get that ever-annoying deodorant spot/smear on your shirt after pulling it on, there is a simple solution. (I didn't know that people didn't know this....) Just grab some nylons/pantyhose and rub the deodorant spot with it/them. It will go away. It's that simple! So save your ripped, snagged, holy pantyhose ladies! They can still serve a purpose!! This little tip totally saved me when I did the *cough* pageant  a few (million) years ago. Why was I wearing white stick deodorant that day/night with all of the known "costume" changes ahead of me? I don't know. 

Bottom line--this totally works!!

Beware stall number one...

When using a public restroom, always skip the first stall if possible. There is always some weird, nasty crap goin' on in that stall. Always. Best to avoid those crazy shennanigans all together.

Marriage is For ADULTS, people...

If you're not old enough to drink at your wedding, you shouldn't be getting married--you're WAY too young. I don't care if you drink or not. If it's illegal for you to do basic things that will become legally available to you later in life, you're too effing young to get married. You're being young and dumb. No, you DON'T know what love is, and no you DON'T know what you want out of life or even who exactly you are. Don't be stupid.

With the above being said, I believe that the Four Season Rule should always be followed at LEAST. Always. If not more. (The Four Season Rule: you must date the person for at least four consecutive seasons before getting married. The only seasons that count are Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. No exceptions.) Getting engaged and married in less than that amount of time is irresponsible and unreasonable. If you love each other enough and in the right way, marriage can wait. Your relationship should be able to survive any amount of time. If you feel the need to get married in a shorter amount of time, you're probably getting married for the wrong reason(s). Admit it.

It's never a good idea to wear a blue shirt to Wal*Mart. Even more so--a blue shirt with tan pants. Other shoppers WILL mistake you for an employee. Even if you don't have a name tag--they will just assume you're on your break or off the clock, but they're customers and they're rude and inconsiderate and whether you're on the clock or not it's ALWAYS your job to help them. This rule also goes for wearing red at Target.

"You snore in your sleep." 


"No I don't!!" 


Shut up. You don't know--you're ASLEEP for hell's sake.

Put down the keychain/shot glass/snow globe and waalllk awaaayyyy...

Souvenirs are almost always an impractical waste of money. You buy some stupid junk, give it to someone (or keep it, you selfish bastard), and then it either sits on a shelf and collects dust or it gets chucked in a box or closet or whatever - never to be seen again. Or it gets thrown away. Dumb. I hate souvenirs (unless they serve some actual purpose, which is pretty much never true). If anyone ever thinks about buying me one, thanks--that's very sweet--but save it. The best souvenir ever will ALWAYS be a picture (or a lot of pictures).

Don't be an inconsiderate jerk...

If there's only one cup holder available in the car, it is most courteous to let the DRIVER use it, since they don't have the free hands or concentration to hold theirs.

Miracle ICK

In a lot of cases, buying the off-brand is a great money saver and doesn't make much of a difference as far as taste or functionality is concerned. This is not the case with miracle whip. You might be tempted to buy the generic version, but that would be a mistake. Don't do it.

The Toilet Seat Issue

Guys, you must ALWAYS lift the toilet seat. This is indisputable. I don't care if you put it down or not. Just please, please, PLEASE lift it! I can pick my battles--I would rather put the seat down than have to sit on gross little pee dribbles. Sick.

"Guess what?! I just bought this awesome touch screen--" Say no more--I've already tuned you out

Touch screen anything is a really stupid buy. You think it's cool and it's fun to show off, but it will break and/or malfunction. Soon. Don't waste your money, idiot.